swirling colors.

June 30, 2008 – 3:14 pm

The best thing one can do when it’s raining
is let it rain.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

i live in a strange place right now, inside of me. a lot is going on inside my head, and with the dynamics of the family which affects each and every one of us indiviually as well, i’m on overload. energy overload. it’s not a bad thing, really. it’s life. my life. but it’s different. different than i’ve ever felt before. i guess this is what they call change.

and it seems like with all that is going on internally and seemingly above me in space swirling around like watercolors for me to dip my brush in and create the painting of my future, i am a little bit dizzy. like i am both here and there right now or something. strange….

it feels so strange. i am restless and grasping and not settled in the now like i want to be. i try. every day i try, and i do succeed at times because i get those feelings in my belly, the ripples of joy bubbling up, that come from seeing my children while they are talking or playing or reading or just being as if they are surrounded by golden light and time stops and i explode with this feeling of bliss that can only be described as love. and i feel my man touch me, his warmth, his strong energy zapping my flesh awake, and i stop and feel it completely. i let it wash over me, and lose myself in it. and i feel the sun and the air and the scent and beauty of the warm heady flowers around me, birds chirping, butterflies flittering, and i let it become a sonata inside of me. i live for those moments.

others, i am so distracted and my mind is moving moving moving wanting yearning striving for the next new thing to reach for and learn, like tenticles rolling out, grabbing soaking in information, i’m like a sponge. i read and write and create, and try to get it out as fast as it comes in, but i know there is really no need for all of that. i know that letting it settle within is the better way to go. i know that all of the swirling tenticles, the intermingling circular things, i am drawing these days around words and thoughts and feelings, pages of journals filled with color and meaning that spill out from me means something and that i need to understand its meaning, i don’t necessarily need to purge it from me.
or do i?

if what i am letting out of me should really marinate within for a while first, then why do i feel such a passionate urge to let it out? can i mull it around for a while first? to get it better, more structured, more centered, clearer? would it then have such impact, such meaning to me the moment i look at it that i finally get it? that i understand completely what it is all about?
maybe.

maybe. but that is not me. i am impulsive and passionate and fiery and soft and go-with-the-flow all at the same time. i am full of diversity and maybe … maybe what i need to do is revel in that a little. love myself for who i am, for what i do, for what i am giving to myself right now.

maybe all i really need to do is trust. trust myself.
and love all of the swirling colors that i am, whether or not they all come together in a perfect way or not. none of that matters, because i am perfect the way i am. growing now, yes; and hoping to understand better, yes; striving for more, yesyesyes! but what would life be if it weren’t a continuous journey? i love my question marks. i love the chaos of now. i love me.

By jouette | Posted in inner workings of my mind | Comments (1)

beauty.

June 28, 2008 – 11:43 am

 

today, the light shines in, brightly, warmly.
i am so happy in the sun.
i grow, i bloom.
i am letting the energy flow through me.
i am feeling the beauty
in all things
become me.
with my heart i feel
and think
and grow.
i am.
today, i am
beauty.

By jouette | Posted in bliss | Comments (0)

dreams.

June 24, 2008 – 4:33 pm

Learn from yesterday,
live for today,
hope for tomorrow.
~Anonymous

Andy and i have been off. this happens sometimes because he is thunder, i am rain. i am sunshine, he is stormy clouds. he is raging waves, i am moonlight. see, we go together, but are different. and sometimes our differences mesh perfectly and others, they push against each other, repelling.

in a text, he asked if we were okay. always checking, my man is; testing the waters to see if things are good between us. he is uncomfortable when the rift is too wide. i, on the other hand, tend to let it be, and it usually straightens itself out. i replied that we just weren’t on the same wavelength lately, and that’s hard for me. he texted back that it was hard for him too, but he wants to be, that he’s trying. i told him not to force it, it either is or isn’t. he said he wants me to feel joy. i said ditto.

our moods, our minds, they are on different things lately though. and it is not smooth when our opposing energies are in the same vacinity.

***

the other night i had this dream.

in it, Andy and i were in a different house (a brick one, like one of my childhood houses in Denver), with different children–two little ones in diapers. we were not rich, struggling sort of, but to us it didn’t really seem like it (that was just my personal observation of it when i woke up). as per usual in dreamland, some things were similar and some things were completely different. during the dream, which was one of those that seemed to last a while, he went to the doctor and found out he had brain cancer. it was so quick from the time we found out to the time he died, i am not sure if he actually died from the illness or from something else, but i knew in my dream it was only a week from diagnosis to gone.

after he passed though, he was somehow still there with me. i was the only one who could see him, and talk to him, it was just like he was still alive. we were in the livingroom (which now seemed like the livingroom of an apartment from college days) and he was helping me with the babies. he could touch things and do things just like normal. i do remember feeling an ache in my chest, very sad. i wasn’t really crying, but tears were behind my eyes and in my throat and an underlying sadness consumed me. and as we washed out the tiny dirty socks of our offspring together in our sink and changed their diapers and gave them baths, i let go.

i asked him, crying how am i supposed to do this all by myself now?
and he just looked at me.
finally, he said something like he would always be there, but we both knew that wasn’t true. we both knew he was fading slowly, slowly. fading away.

then, fear. i thought about our money, and knew that we had none, and i didn’t know where we would go because he was the only one working and we didn’t have any life insurance and there was nothing left. and that’s when he told me to sell his motorcyle. he said that he’s been wanting to for a while. i looked at him–a younger, more faded version of my Andy, and laughed. laughing through my tears. the thought was so funny; he would never, ever sell his motorcycle. if you knew him, you’d know that’s the very last thing he’d ever think of doing–it is his freedom, his fun, his toy, his joy. when we went out to the garage to see it, it was shiney black and gold, just like the motorcycle he crashed on a few years ago and totalled. he told me we could get a lot of money for it, and then he touched me tenderly and i woke up.

i woke up because at that moment, i knew it was a dream, and i pulled myself out and floated back into our room. the clock read 3:58. i reached out and touched Andy’s warm skin in the darkness. he reached back for me and asked if i was okay. kissed my hair and fell back asleep. i laid awake for a while after that, thinking of him and of our family and of Muffy just landing in a foreign land. sleep. unremembered sleep.

***

last evening in the kitchen making dinner, i told him i had dreampt that he died. he touched my shoulder and answered that he was sorry. i squinted my eyes and looked at him slyly and asked him why he thought it was a bad dream. he laughed and slapped me on the butt, like he always does. i winked at him.

later, he asked for more details and i gave him the above scenario. and then i told him that i knew the moment he said to sell the bike that he either really had to be dead or that it was a dream, and we both laughed.  

then, he looked at me and said, You know what’s strange about that?

What? I answered.

unaffected, he said to me: The other day in the garage, when I was working on the motorcycle, I thought the very same thing. That if I had cancer or something, and was going to die, that I would write to the guys on my online bike board and tell them that you wouldn’t take less than three grand for it.

i couldn’t speak. i swallowed. hard.

then he said: And you thought we haven’t been on the same wave-length lately. Maybe we’re way more on the same vibe than you think if you are dreaming things that are in my head.

this is my life. even when we aren’t meshing, we are in each other’s heads. all the time. it is so strange. and beautiful. i smile.

***

i lay in bed thankful for little random things in my day. for the kids being home and happy. for the sun shining and pretty floaty clouds in the evening. for something interesting i read that made me think. for the soft breeze through the wind chimes. for my life. and then i say a silent prayer: please let it be random thoughts in his head, and just a silly dream. thank you. 

By jouette | Posted in a love story~Andy & Jouette | Comments (1)

me.

June 23, 2008 – 10:15 am

I am learning to write and speak of my true feelings for myself,
that’s how I can let go sooner and love fuller.
It’s a mixture of speaking up and speaking in,
reaching out and reaching in.
~Sabrina Ward Harrison

i love that: i am reaching in.

it’s a process that is both enlightening and frightening.

in my life at this moment, there are things that i love and things that i want to change … and it’s so hard to walk that line. to figure out what it is that i want to keep, enhance, and grow. to have the strength to weed out what it is i don’t–things that are holding me back and making me feel badly. because right now, what i believe is this: happiness is where it’s at. yet, as much as i do believe that, and strive for that, it has been flailing lately … and i’m not completely sure why. i do know that i am feeling blocked creatively, and that really mucks everything up inside of me.

there are times, however, that it seems as though being melancholy or achy or sad–even angry–has seemed to put fire to my creative self. sometimes amazing things flow out of me through pain. why is that??? i really struggle with that one. i know so deeply now that being in the moment and feeling good is important. that it is really what matters in the end and that all of the crap, all the shit, every piece of the bad stuff … fades away. and yet, through my times of trial, i seem to learn more, feel more–okay, not necessarily feel more, but feel strongly, maybe–and it has to come out somewhere. i can’t hold it in. if i do, like lately, it seems to hole up in me and take over, and that? is totally unacceptable! bring me back to joy, i ask as i breathe in and breathe out, waiting patiently for the calming beautiful blue to come into the blank black canvas of my mind.

nothing.
so now what? i ask frusterated.
my mind answers clearly: i am changing. that’s what.
it adds for good measure: and i will never, ever, be able to go back to what was. expansion goes only one direction, darling. so hang on, and get used to it.

and so here i am. me. the me i am now and the me i know i am becoming with each passing day, each moment, each breath. and as i learn to use my voice and speak up from within, i glance around me. i notice that there are those who are less than thrilled with the change. there are those who seem to be fading from my life without word, just fading away because their angular pieces don’t fit into my softer puzzle anymore. and then there are those who are coming in, filling the crack that is left by those gone. it’s such a strange process to go through and look at from this angle. from the inside out.

and here’s the hardest thing. those i love most, that have been with me the longest … they are balancing on the line with me. and i am not completely sure what will happen in the end.

By jouette | Posted in inner workings of my mind | Comments (2)

wings.

June 22, 2008 – 3:53 pm

she’s gone. my little Muffy is on her way to europe and new adventures. i walked her to the point where she showed her passport and ticket and then hugged and kissed her goodbye. then i watched her–my tiny little slip of a daughter, so innocent, so pretty–as she went through the security gate, blew her a kiss and cried. happy tears for her doing what is in her heart and spreading her wings. tears for never being away from her for more than a few days. tears of missing her already–her laugh, her jokes, her kindness, her talks up on my bed when she comes bounding in from school. tears for knowing what a beautiful brave sweet happy thing she is, that she has become so grown up lately, and will come back even moreso. my baby. my girl. my heart.

be well, have fun, grow. i love you, sweetheart. fly.

By jouette | Posted in daughters, love | Comments (0)

hectic.

June 17, 2008 – 3:53 pm

Sit in reverie and watch
the changing color of the waves
that break upon the idle seashore
of the mind.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Andy and i flew to the other side of the country with our lovely Mimi for a magnificent few days spent in the warm sunshine sipping fru-fru drinkies poolside, playing boche ball, riding in limos attending a fancy wedding, and eating way too much gourmet food. it was faboo. we have tans now, which makes me ever so happy. and we all know that happiness is everything.

this trip was wonderful, but unsual. we only had one child with us. and an adult child at that. it was very strange, and totally lovely to be able to concentrate on just Mimi for an extended time (which everyone knows in a big family is rare and enlightening). plus, my brother–who happens to be one of my very best friends–was there too, sans wife and sons. this was unusual as well because we got to spend more one-on-one time together than we have in years. and my father and his wife were the most wonderful hosts to us all. it was glorious family-time, but small and intimate. unusual, but grand.

our youngest brother is married now. the wedding was really wonderful–chillin limo ride over, sweet ceremony, divine hors devoures with open bar, sit-down dinner, speeches, photos, then great music and fun dancing. it really was a blast. there was even a silhouette artist there who did portraits of my brother and i which we framed and gave to our father whom we haven’t spent a father’s day with since 1970-something.

then we all flew home on the red-eye. and are in recovery from it all, haha.

also in the news, i have been doing this beauty routine thing for commercial tv and hsn. i had an ever so attractive *cough* “before” photo taken sans make-up and now have facials done every morning in a salon and do them myself at night and on the weekends. i wished to look younger and more beautiful, and suddenly this opportunity fell into my lap. i love it. i feel totally hydrated and pretty. okay, the tan helps. but still. stay tuned for more info on my mug possibly being on tv if my “after” photo is as improved as i think it might be.

and, we are at the last week of school for the 3 youngest, and getting Muffy ready to send to europe on her own in less than a week. my heart is constricting a little already, but i am so excited for her! and then after that, my Mimi moves to the city to live with her sister Rose. i am going to be in withdrawls and shock when it is only Andy and I and Bub and Pea here … wow. so strange. and quiet. what ever will i do? stay tuned for the update. it will be a drastic change from recent days, that’s for sure.

By jouette | Posted in life, familia | Comments (4)

cold.

June 8, 2008 – 10:03 am

The question is not
what you look at,
but what you see.
~Thoreau

it’s so cold here, we can see our breath in the wet air when we walk outside. grey. rain. cold. i know there is a lesson here i am learning–something about loving What Is, but here’s the honest truth: i long for sunshine. warm, heat-soaking-into-body sunshine. sweet vitamin D in yellow streams of ether flowing into me. yellow. i am so ready for yellow.

i am ready for squinting and sunglasses and the smell and feel of greasy suntan lotion. i am ready for the sound of ice cream trucks trolling our neighborhood looking for hot children playing. i am ready for sprinklers and kiddie pools and laughter surrounded by splashing. i am ready for water, cooling water as a retreat from the heat popping off of my tight skin. i am ready for pink lemonade. i am ready for sun tea. with lemon. bright yellow slivers of refreshing tartness.

i am ready for sundresses and flip-flops. i am ready for pony tails and swim suits. i am ready for shorts and tank tops and beach chairs leaning back and holding my book up to block the sun from my eyes. i am ready for barbeques and eating on the patio surrounded by flowers. i am ready for the new sparkly hanging lights to be lit on our patio set and trellis while we linger outside after a delicioius meal made without turning on the stove.

i am ready for yellow to turn into orange into pinks and purples and violets. i am ready for that time of night that is usually abundant this time of year, my very favorite of all: twilight. i am ready for a nice ice cold beer in this magical time in the evening as the heat lingers, but a breeze blows through my hair. i am ready for gin and tonics with clinky ice and floating lime wedges and my tan hand holding it up in a toast with my friends as we laugh over stories of our days.

i am ready for the warmth now. i am ready for summer.

but i will fully, one hundred percent feel this coolness, the cold, the icy rain in what now feels like June-uary instead of June. i will stand out in it and feel it raise goosebumps on my exposed arms and turn my face into the sky and watch my breath swirl and mesh with the thick grey clouds. i will feel the frozen air seep into my lungs as i breathe. i will do this and be grateful for it and put it to memory so that when i am sweating and feeling zapped with a hotness exuding from inside my belly from too much sunshine and heat, i can pull that feeling from inside of me and feel the cold.

By jouette | Posted in inner workings of my mind | Comments (1)

the end of an era.

June 3, 2008 – 7:37 pm

A thing of beauty is a joy forever:
its loveliness increases;
it will never pass into nothingness.
~John Keats

Muffy just got her braces off. they’ve been on forever now, it seems.

see? just a little girl here in the before pic.

and still looking young some months afterward.

but here’s what’s shocking. this is her this morning. THIS MORNING, people. she was still my little girl.

and this is this afternoon. gulp. i think she aged like 7 years in the blink of an eye.

she? is SO thrilled. like she can not stop smiling thrilled. it’s been a long haul for her going through most of high school with braces on (which her father is especially grateful for), but now she is free.

and she is blossoming before our eyes.

she just got a bunch of awards from school, she has straight A’s and won the teacher’s citizenship award and academic achievement awards. she has always been my smiliest, sweetest child. she writes stories that are novels now, and she is also a great artist. she is a supurb actress and can sing like an angel, honestly. and she is heading to europe in a few short weeks. she is totally well-rounded, not just breath-takingly beautiful.

and i am completely in awe of her amazingness.

i love you, Muff. congrats, baby~you. look. mahbelous! ♥

By jouette | Posted in daughters, love | Comments (3)

my Princess Pea.

June 1, 2008 – 11:29 am

Be who you are
and say what you feel,
because those who mind
don’t matter
and those who matter
don’t mind.
~Dr. Seuss

~♥♥♥~

translation:
My heart is broken
No mom is
allowed in
my room
for this
whole day

***

this, folks, is my baby daughter Pea’s note, found taped to her door after she was sent to her room to think about a recent fit-pitch (of which she has perfected to the T … here, i could tell you why she was nicknamed Pea shortly after birth, mond you–which is lovingly short for Princess and the Pea–but alas, if you have read the story, you know what i’m sayin’).

i love the note, so passionately written while in the midst of a Niagra-style tear-fest, because it is so her. so my Pea who is bursting with fiery spiritedness, never failing to say what she thinks or feels, or to let you know when she thinks (knows) what you are saying is complete bunk (to her). it is so my Pea, who has incredible inner-strength and whom i admire greatly for shooting right out of the starting gate expressing with gusto exactly what she knows is right for her no matter who she ticks off in the process. the girl isn’t for the faint of heart, and we often take a moment to say a little prayer for her future husband, usually while we are breathing and counting to ten in hopes for a smidgen of sanity to return to our own selves.

i adore her to pieces. she is hilarious and smart and sure of what she wants. she has so much to teach us all and i’m so glad she was sent to us when she was. the last of our children. she is going to keep me young.

…or, um, make me old before my time. one of the two.

so here, please take a moment to look at her note. notice her broken heart. and especially admire the pictures at the bottom of me, her loving mother, surrounded by circles with lines through them. huh. well, looks like i have the day off today, folks. i think i’ll get a manicure :)

have a beautiful Sunday, everyone!

By jouette | Posted in laughter, daughters, love | Comments (1)

flow.

May 29, 2008 – 10:54 am

The greatest mistake
you can make in life
is to be continually fearing
you will make one.
~Elbert Hubbard

so today, this is what i woke up thinking about. this is what i believe. life is funny. you get here all sure of yourself and knowing what it is you want, and you are actually pretty good at getting it … at first. then life throws things at you, gives you road blocks and you start to doubt. and then you lose yourself because somehow you forget to listen to YOU, your voice, and what other people say and think seems to matter more and more. somehow the things that happen to you become who you are. or who you think you are. but that’s not really the truth. if there is a truth, it is the old stand by: To Thyne Own Self Be True. how others see you? that’s not you. you are amazing! feel it.

and here’s the cool thing. don’t fear making mistakes because there are no mistakes. nonezipnada. only growth. lessons that we can choose to take as good or bad, but the thing is, they are always good. because they teach us something. they are simply expansion. and really, what more can you want from life than that? what more IS life? to me, it is all about expansion and love (yep, gotta slip my daily dose of love~gratitude~appreciation in there ;). and today, that is what i know for sure.

so go with the flow, baby. jump in with both feet and let it be. Those Beatles, they knew what was up: Let It Be. there is no changing what is, so why not just shake its hand and go with it and see what magic happens then?

trust yourself. ♥ flow ♥

By jouette | Posted in wonder | Comments (4)